Part Five (5): Back to School

I keep seeing all these ads for Back to School sales and specials and I must admit I felt pretty nostalgic and a good bit depressed when I think about all these lucky bastards that get to return to college this semester. After I got over myself, I started thinking about what I actually learned in a classroom at UMD (go Terps) that would benefit me in my work experience I've had so far in the "real world". After carefully evaluating my corporate responsibilities I think it can be said I could do everything I've done since graduation with the assistance of three courses. Three.

1. Microsoft Office 101

2. Not Getting Fired 101

3. Corporate Role Playing 101

The reason for the 101 level is because when you enter the corporate world, you're forced to vaguely apply the principles and knowledge you've gained in college and begin anew as a student of corporate reality and start to slowly forget the corporate illusion they teach you in the classroom. V-lookup, CTRL+C - CTRL+V, Pivot tables, Forward, Reply All, Apply animation...this is the language you hear in your head throughout the day to the point where it infiltrates your dreams. On top of that you have corporate brown nosers and yes-men who's victims are oftentimes delusional higher-ups who cling to their roles like crackfiends. God forbid you misstep and do anything to degrade their title or paygrade. Paygrade... too bad the pay for these retards never reflects their work if they were to be graded on it. The final lesson is that most salaried corporate employees perform just at the level not to be fired, or do what is necessary to create the illusion they are model employees. Not Getting Fired 101 would teach to always have a work-related document (excel sheet, powerpoint presentation, proposal) you're supposed to be working on while you're really reading ESPN and checking Fantasy Football stats. The final exam would consist of having a quick ALT+Tab finger and the ability to look frustrated in whatever bullshit document you're pretending to fret over.

Everything else you learn in the corporate world is by experience. As much as we can pretend to be an advanced civilization, the corporate world is indeed a jungle. In the jungle, experience is the ultimate teacher. You can't use a fucking textbook to kill a gorilla.

Part Four (4): The Sharktank and the Thinker

I've recently left my old post and have taken the role of a Regional Account Manager for a major firm that manufactures and distributes routing equipment worldwide. I am now in the "Northern Virginia" area. This place is known as a shark-tank, along with your major metropolitan business hubs (New York, LA, Chicago, etc.) They call these places shark-tanks because of the species that thrive in these environments. Salesmen. Upon my arrival I've discovered that in corporate america there are two types of people: Buyers and Sellers. The problem with buyers is that they're general push-overs that couldn't see a sales pitch if it had them by the short and curlys. The problem with sellers; good salesmen, is they're ALWAYS selling. This trait is simultaneously their shining ability and their most treacherous trait. The good ones are so used to being a "sales guy" 8-10 hours a day that it becomes an extension of their personality. They get so used to gaining success with a sales techniques that soon they're selling everything. Why they can't give you money for bills, why they forgot their anniversary gift, why you should "come back to my place for a nightcap", etc. In popular media a sales guy is always depicted as some greasy looking guy with a tweed jacket, suspicious looking mustache, and cheesy smile. Minus the jacket, EVERYONE in my office fits this profile. Like the great white shark, these mother fuckers have never had to evolve. The same techniques work the same as they used to, and regular ass people fall victim to them everyday. Casualties of swimming in the shark tank.

On a more positive note, I've also started working on the side for this gentleman by the name of John Latham. He's been making money off the internet since he was in college and made his first $5 million selling one of his websites to a media conglomerate his first year out of school.

Now, I find it necessary to study successful people in business if you yourself want to fit in with this increasingly growing group of individuals. This group consists of those that have decided that a door with no handle is surely not one that needs to be opened, and have opened their own doors, windows, and fire exits to succeed in business by unconventional means. I first met John at Sequoia in Georgetown on the waterfront. It was 4th of July and I was getting drunk on my friend Steve's boat in the Potomac. John was in the next boat, if you want to call it that. It was more like a luxury apartment that floats. We started throwing drinks back with him and his friends and I was amazed to learn that this guy was only twenty-fucking-six years old. So, to quickly summarize, he's a year older than me and has a larger net worth than most people will ever see in their life. He's a really friendly guy, very engaging in conversation and a charmer with the ladies. The main things about John are... the guy never talks business outside of business, and he never says anything about business until its final. I asked him about this the other day when I was at his office after my normal work hours sending e-mails and helping him with proposals. He said "There are two types of people in business, those that talk about business all the time, and those that think about business all the time. The problem with talkers is, because they want to talk business all the time, they oftentimes find themselves talking about things prematurely or making shit up to fill the gaps so they can keep talking. All this talking leads to little action, and therefore, lots of hype with no results. Although I rarely talk business outside of work, I'm CONSTANTLY thinking about it. I'm always evaluating ideas and strategies, all the time. When I'm talking to a girl at the bar, I'm simultaneously thinking about an exit strategy for this new website I've invested in. Everyone's looking for the next great idea. If you're a talker, and you have one, chances are you won't be the sole owner for very long."