Part Five (5): Back to School

I keep seeing all these ads for Back to School sales and specials and I must admit I felt pretty nostalgic and a good bit depressed when I think about all these lucky bastards that get to return to college this semester. After I got over myself, I started thinking about what I actually learned in a classroom at UMD (go Terps) that would benefit me in my work experience I've had so far in the "real world". After carefully evaluating my corporate responsibilities I think it can be said I could do everything I've done since graduation with the assistance of three courses. Three.

1. Microsoft Office 101

2. Not Getting Fired 101

3. Corporate Role Playing 101

The reason for the 101 level is because when you enter the corporate world, you're forced to vaguely apply the principles and knowledge you've gained in college and begin anew as a student of corporate reality and start to slowly forget the corporate illusion they teach you in the classroom. V-lookup, CTRL+C - CTRL+V, Pivot tables, Forward, Reply All, Apply animation...this is the language you hear in your head throughout the day to the point where it infiltrates your dreams. On top of that you have corporate brown nosers and yes-men who's victims are oftentimes delusional higher-ups who cling to their roles like crackfiends. God forbid you misstep and do anything to degrade their title or paygrade. Paygrade... too bad the pay for these retards never reflects their work if they were to be graded on it. The final lesson is that most salaried corporate employees perform just at the level not to be fired, or do what is necessary to create the illusion they are model employees. Not Getting Fired 101 would teach to always have a work-related document (excel sheet, powerpoint presentation, proposal) you're supposed to be working on while you're really reading ESPN and checking Fantasy Football stats. The final exam would consist of having a quick ALT+Tab finger and the ability to look frustrated in whatever bullshit document you're pretending to fret over.

Everything else you learn in the corporate world is by experience. As much as we can pretend to be an advanced civilization, the corporate world is indeed a jungle. In the jungle, experience is the ultimate teacher. You can't use a fucking textbook to kill a gorilla.